8. Trust is learned early.

Our early childhood experiences can affect our later trust in others or even in the products we buy. How secure we felt with early caregivers can leave us more or less trusting as adults. 

     We learn to feel more or less secure as children, when we are dependent on adults for our food, safety, and emotional support, and it can be difficult to unlearn old patterns and relearn new ones. 

     A child who learned a more secure attachment style during their youth may as adults be more open to suggestions or to looking at things as mixtures of both good and bad. Accepting life as a mixture can make it easier to appreciate the good aspects and to accept and cope with bad aspects, instead of pretending that everything is perfect and ignoring or denying that there may be room for improvement in a situation or relationship.   

Learning about attachment styles can help individuals with less secure styles to improve their skills in personal and business relationships but changing the core values and habits that were learned in childhood takes time and dedicated practice of the new skills.[1] How much we trust in others and or trust in the products we purchase as a customer may be related to how secure we felt with our childhood relationships.[2]  

      Cognitive therapy techniques such as "Dialectical Behavior Therapy " (DBT) may be helpful.  DBT is a strategy in the field of mental health care that was first developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. in 1993 for working with patients with Borderline Personality Disorder. 

• The goals for the therapy are to help individuals gain better understanding and acceptance of their non-verbal and verbal thoughts, motives, and behaviors; and to develop more effective strategies for coping  with strong emotions; and for improving communication with others & with oneself. 

It can be difficult to let others know what your concerns are if you aren't able to describe your own feelings.   

• 1997: Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) for  Borderline Personality Disorder. [3]
• 2001: Dialectical Behavior Therapy in a Nutshell, by Linda Dimeff and Marsha Linehan, PhD.  [4]  
• Workbooks are available based on the DBT techniques which can be used individually or with a trained clinician; one example is: "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & Distress Tolerance," by Matthew McKay, Ph.D, Jeffrey C. Wood, Psy. D, and Jeffrey Brantley, MD, (New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2007, Oakland, CA).  [5] 

Other resources about attachment styles and therapy are listed at the end of this page.

How the caregivers in a child’s life respond to the child’s behavior and bids for attention from the caregiver has been observed to lead to three main types of attachment styles between the caregiver and child. Two scientists were involved in the theory’s development. The observation of parent/child pairs and description of the attachment styles was by Mary Ainsworth, who based her work on an ethological theory about attachment developed by John Bowlby, a psychoanalyst.  

     Mary Ainsworth observed pairs of young children, toddler age, and their caregivers in a play situation where the caregiver would temporarily leave the room. The children were then observed to see how fearful they became when they noticed the absence of their caregiver and how they would act upon the return of the caregiver (mothers). The pairs had already been observed during normal play and the children were found to behave consistently based on how the caregivers interacted and responded to the toddler’s attempts to gain comfort upon their return. [6] 

• Children whose caregiver allowed them to explore somewhat freely but who were available for comfort if needed became more trusting as adults and open to experiences. In the research study this attachment style was called secure.
• Children whose caregiver reacted fearfully and controlling of the child’s attempts to explore rather than giving comfort and encouragement that the situation was safe for exploration became less likely to explore and were more worried when their caregiver left the room. This attachment style was called anxious-resistant. 
• Children with this attachment style tend to become less trusting and open to experiences as adults.  · Children whose caregivers ignored the child’s attempt to gain their attention for comfort would tend to stop trying to attract the caregiver’s attention and were more indifferent at their caregiver’s absence from the room. This group also tends to become less trusting and open to experiences as adults. This attachment style was called avoidant. [6] 

1. Secure attachment typically occurs when the caregiver is available when the child is fearful but who isn't overly protective or controlling when the child is happily playing or exploring. 
2. Anxious attachment may occur when a main caregiver allows little freedom for the child to explore without being stopped or cautioned in some way.
3. Avoidant attachment may occur when a main caregiver doesn't respond to the child's verbal cues or body language - smiles are ignored instead of being returned. [6] 

Emotional security as a child can lead to being more trusting as an adult and emotional security for employees can lead to being more trusting as employees. Are employees allowed some freedom to explore? And if they are met with some setback and look for help do they receive it or do they receive fearful and controlling messages or indifference?  

     Our childhood experiences can leave us with different expectations of others – are they likely to be comforting; or fearful and controlling; or neglectful and indifferent? These different expectations learned as children can leave the adult expecting that they will receive the same type of treatment from everyone that they had received from their caregivers. What was normal for a child will seem like it is just normal, normal for everyone, even though it may have been a very different home-life and not at all like what a “typical” child might experience or how an adult would be treated later in life.  

     The reactions the child developed in an unstable or dangerous home may have protected them then but can leave them overly defensive and quick to anger and over-react, or to freeze up and isolate. An inconsistent parenting style was found to be more likely to negatively affect a child than either the overly fearful or overly indifferent style of caregiving. 

     Children can be quite resilient even in tough situations and even one concerned adult in their life can help show them what normal can be like; the concerned adult could be a teacher or minister or the caring parent of a childhood friend.   

The childhood attachment styles can affect adult personal and business relationships if lack of trust leads to too many conflicts or avoidance of any situation that might involve conflict. Cognitive therapy can help if personality conflicts or avoidance become problems by reconsidering those childhood experiences that may have led to increased fearfulness or avoidance from an adult perspective and rewriting the messages that may have helped protect the child but no longer help the adult. [6] 

     What can seem like common sense to some people might seem like a suspicious idea to others because they are viewing it from two very different sets of childhood experiences. People are different, so it can be an advantage to have a diverse group of team members because they can provide a variety of viewpoints. However they need to feel comfortable enough to share their thoughts and trust that they will be listened to while sharing their ideas without being mocked or harassed for having a different point of view.   

Joking itself is not necessarily a negative. Humor can help reduce stress [7] and sarcasm may have some benefits for increasing creativity which can have value in the modern business world; however sarcastic joking may be best shared with trusted coworkers or friends to reduce risk that someone misunderstands the meaning or humorous intent. [8] 

     Or skip the joke and just smile for a better mood. The muscle movements that occur when we smile have been found to lead to a happier mood without having to think a happy thought. The physical action alone, lifting the corners of the mouth in a smile, also tended to lift the mood. [9] And it is difficult to misinterpret a smile -- in any language.